A
collection of funnies
A likely story
The BC went out to find that
none of his gunners were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.
"Sorry,
sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to
the bus but missed it, I called a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a
horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The BC was very sceptical
about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the gunner go.
Moments later, eight more gunners came up to the BC panting,
he asked them why they were late.
"Sorry,
sir! We had a date and it ran a
little late, we ran to the bus but missed it, we called a cab but it broke
down, we found a farm, bought a some horses but they dropped dead, we ran 10
miles, and now we are here."
The BC eyed them, feeling
very sceptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth
gunner jogged up to the BC, panting heavily.
"Sorry,
sir! I had a date and it ran a
little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I called a cab but..."
"Let me guess," the
BC interrupted, "it broke down."
"No," said the gunner., "there were so many dead horses in the road,
it took forever to get around them."
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Some like it wet
This is the transcript of an
actual radio conversation of a
Americans: Please
divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians:
Recommend you divert YOUR course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians:
No. I say again, you divert YOUR
course.
Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED
STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS,
AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians:
This is a lighthouse. Your call !!.
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A Gunners Tale
It was a dark, stormy, night
on
A General stepped out taking
his dog for a walk. The nervous young gunner snapped to attention, made a
perfect salute, and snapped out "Good Evening, Sir!"
The General,
returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't
it?"
(Well it wasn't a nice night,
but the young gunner wasn't going to disagree with the General), so he replied
"Yes Sir!".
The General continued,
"You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing,
it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"
(The young gunner didn't
agree, but then the gunner was just a gunner,) and responded "Yes Sir!"
The
General, pointing at his dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type
of dog to train."
The gunner glanced at the
dog, and said "Yes Sir, It is Sir!"
The General continued "I
got this dog for my wife."
The gunner replied "That
was good swap Sir!"
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A rare occasion
The CO issued the following
order to his Battery Commanders:
"Tomorrow evening at
approximately 20:00 hours, Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an
event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out and parade in the
gun park in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case
of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the cinema
and I will show them films of it."
"By
order of the Colonel. Tomorrow at
20:00 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the gun park. If it rains, fall
the men out in fatigues, then march them to the cinema where this rare
phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75
years."
TROOP OFFICERS TO BSM:
"By
order of the Colonel. Be in
fatigues at 20:00 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will
appear in the cinema. In case of rain in the gun park, the Colonel will give
another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."
BSM TO No1's:
"Tomorrow at 20:00
hours, the Colonel will appear in the cinema with Halley's comet, something which
happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the
gun park."
No1's TO Gunners:
"When it rains tomorrow
at 20:00 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel,
will bypass the cinema and drive his comet through the gun park in
fatigues."
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True Gunner bravery
The CO had sent a battery off
to fight in the Gulf war.
Upon the battery’s
return, three gunners that had distinguished themselves in the field were
summoned to the CO's office. "Since all of you
weren't there long enough to qualify for medals," the CO began, "I
can't give you any. We did, however, want to let each of you know your bravery
was appreciated.
What we've decided to do is
to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds
sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start from the
left, so what'll it be?"
Gunner 1:
"The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!"
CO:
"Very good, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"
Gunner 2:
"The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other,
sir!"
CO:
"Even better, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds"
Gunner 3:
"The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinkie, sahr!"
CO:
"That's a strange but fair request," As the CO begins the
measurement: "What?, where is your left pinkie?"
Gunner 3:
"In a breach somewhere in the Gulf, sahr!"
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A love lost
A Gunner serving with a
regiment in
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-------News Flash --------
New Weapon in
The priminister, Tony Blair.,
expressed astonishment today in a speech to Parliament, over recent news of a
new Royal Artillery 'chicken gun'.
It seems the gun is a
converted AS90 capable of hurling dead four-pound chickens at airplanes at over
700 miles per hour ... The new armament is currently being tested at
Shoeburyness and used to help find ways to reduce accidents caused by jets
hitting birds.
"My first reaction to
this story was one of disbelief," Blair told MP's.
"I wonder why a 'special
classified briefing' had not been set up for the members of Parliament on the
new 'chicken gun' and I am setting up an enquiry to investigate as to why the
Defence Secretary has not kept the house informed."
Blair also said: "How
far has the
Blair went on: Is the Royal
Navy working on it's own version of the 'chicken gun',
"which would be, one assumes, an 'albatross gun'."
Blair congratulated the Royal
Artillery "on it's resourcefulness."
"Despite the fact that
there will no doubt be those that will be sceptical of such research, I for
one, see nothing more involved than a little 'fowl' play," said Blair...
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Army Regulations
First Gunner:
" Can you pass me the chocolate pudding,
please?"
Second Gunner:
"Sorry, no way!"
First Gunner:
"Why not?"
Second Gunner:
"It's against army regulations to help another soldier to dessert!"
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Insubordination ?
Officer:
Gunner, do you have change for a pound?
Gunner:
Sure, mate.
Officer:
That's no way to address an officer!
Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a pound?
Gunner: No, SIR!
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A Gunners yarn
Seems there was a young
gunner, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
"That's no problem,
son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the
Germans, and go 'Bangy Bang Bang'."
"But what about a
bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible)
recruit.
The sergeant pulls a piece of
straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here,
use this... just go, 'Staby Stab Stab'."
The recruit ends up alone on
the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at
him. The recruit points the broom, "Bangy Bang Bang!" The German falls dead.
More Germans appear. The
recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangy
Bang Bang! Staby Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally,
the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward
him.
"Bangy Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The
German keeps coming. "Bangy Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets
desperate. "Bangy Bang Bang! Staby Stab Stab!" It's no use.
The German keeps coming. He
stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tanky
Tank Tank."
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What a NIG !!
A new intake gunner to the
regiment was on guard duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was
to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windscreen. A staff car came up
with a general seated in the back. The gunner said, "Halt, who goes
there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal,
says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let
you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windscreen."
The general said, "corporal, drive on!"
The gunner said,
"Halt! You can't come through.
I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm ordering you, corporal, drive on!"
The gunner walked up to the
rear window and said, "General, I'm new to all this. Do I shoot you or the
driver?"
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8 Top Christmas Rear Party Traditions In the Royal Artillery
1. Gluing a Santa beard onto
your gas mask
2. Roasting chestnuts on a
hexamine burner
3. Draw up list of who's naughty, who's nice and who can't run their 3 mile BFT
without wheezing like a BSM
4. Christmas morning, getting
to lay in till 05:30 hours
5. You open a present and surprise! It's a khaki-coloured t-shirt
6. Extra R&R for any
personnel named CO or BC
7. There's always plenty of
Christmas parking at the supermarket when you're driving an AS90
8. Freeze-dried,
shelf-stable, vacuum-sealed chicken supreme
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New
1. Sickness: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept
the Medical Officer's statement as proof of illness as we
believe
that if you are able to go on sick parade, you are able to come to work.
2. Leave of Absence for an Operation: We are no longer allowing this
practice. We recruited you as you are, and to have
anything
removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for.
3. Death, Other than Your Own: This is no excuse. If you can arrange
the funeral services to be held late in the afternoon,
however,
we can let you off an hour early, provided all your work is done.
4. Death, Your Own: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would
like at least two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty
to
teach someone else your job.
5. Quantity of Work: No matter how much you do, you'll never do
enough.
6. Quality of Work: The minimum acceptable level is perfection.
7. Advice from the
the
rest of the day.
8. The Battery Commander is Always Right.
9. If you think the Battery
Commander is wrong, Refer to Rule 8.
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Dig for your country
Two gunners were digging a
foxhole.
"What made you join the
Army?" asked one.
"Well, I read one of the
posters that said: Join the Army and see the world! And I been doin' it - a shovelful at a time."
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Officer Fitness Reports.
The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal
Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts
taken from people's "206's"....
- His men would follow him
anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not breed from this
Officer.
- This Officer is really not
so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
- When she opens her mouth,
it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in
there.
- He has carried out each and
every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. - He would be out of
his depth in a
car park puddle.
- Technically sound, but
socially impossible.
- This Officer reminds me
very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but
not really
going anywhere.
- This young lady has
delusions of adequacy.
- When he joined my ship,
this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged
considerably.
- This Medical Officer has used
my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to
carry him from
bar to bar.
- Since my last report he has
reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
- She sets low personal
standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
- He has the wisdom of youth,
and the energy of old age.
- This Officer should go far
- and the sooner he starts, the better.
- In my opinion this pilot
should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
- The only ship I would
recommend this man for is citizenship.
- Works well when under
constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap
- This man is depriving a
village somewhere of an idiot.
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Smart Gunner.
An old demobbed gunner saw a
very tired young gunner resting after a 10 mile bash. The old gunner said with
disdain: "When I was your age I thought nothing of a ten-mile bash."
The young gunner replied:
"Well, I don't think much of it either,"
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This is what you do….
When Gnr Smith was inducted
into the
"That's the only way to
command respect in the
So Gnr Smith did his best to
carry out the advice. He swaggered all around camp, bragging, blustering and
talking out of the corner of his mouth.
"Show me a sergeant and
I'll show you a knob," Gnr Smith shouted.
No sooner had he spoken than
a brawny, battle-hardened No1 appeared.
"I am a sergeant!"
he bellowed.
"I am a knob,"
whispered Smith.
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A true Gunner
Two young gunners were
exchanging their experiences of their service in the Regiment.
"My sergeants are
wonderful", said one gunner.
"I wish I could say the
same about mine," said the other.
"You could if you lie
like I do."
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Get fit
The physical training
instructor was drilling a battery of gunners.
"I want every man to lie
on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he were riding a
bicycle," he explained. "Now begin!"
After a few minutes, one of
the men stopped.
"Why did you stop. Gnr Smith?" demanded the PTI.
Gnr Smith replied, "I'm
freewheeling for a while."
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New officer efficiency
These are actual phrases from
Officer Efficiency Reports (performance appraisal for the military officers).
"Got
into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."
"A
room temperature IQ."
"Got a full 6-pack, but
lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
"A gross ignoramus---144
times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
"A
photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
"A
prime candidate for natural deselection."
"One-celled organisms
outscore him in IQ tests."
"Donated
his brain to science before he has finished using it."
"Fell out of the family
tree."
"Gates are down, the
lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
"Has two brains: one is
lost and the other is out looking for it."
"He's so dense, light
bends around him."
"If brains were taxed,
he'd get a rebate."
"If he were any more
stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
"If you give him a penny
for his thoughts, you'd get change."
"If you stand close
enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
"Some drink from the
fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
"Takes
him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes."
"Was
left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."
"Wheel is turning, but
the hamster is dead."
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New chemical warfare
An instructor in chemical
warfare asked a troop of gunners in his class: "Anyone know
the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's
easy," said one gunner.
"What is it?" ask's
the instructor
"H, I,
J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained
the chemistry expert.
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What a picture
At an exhibition of Artillery
paintings a visitor was admiring a picture.
"What a great realist
that painter is!" he exclaimed.
"What painter?"
"The
one that painted this picture 'Gunners at Work'."
"Yes, but something is
wrong there. Those gunners aren't working at all!"
"That is just the greatest
stroke of realism in the picture!"
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That’s my boy
Gnr Smith was brought up
before the BC on a charge.
"You can take your choice,
Gnr Smith - one month's restriction of privileges or twenty day's pay,"
said the BC.
"All right, sir,"
said Smith, "I'll take the money."